Monday, October 14, 2002

Trusting or Testing

During my recent blogging sabbath I was confonted with the harsh reality that most of my adult life has been consumed with testing God. Testing is so close to Trusting that it is easy to confuse the two. The 40 day fast of Jesus models trust for us and it is there that we hear him say, "Do not test the Lord your God." What's the difference? I still cannot say that I fully know, but I am inclined to believe that Trust is knowing that God will be on the other side of whatever leap is next. Test is jumping just to see if God is there to catch. Trust comes from being full while the test is an act of empty desperation. It is a leap all the same, but it is the difference between the leap of a child into a father's arms and the leap of a grown man from a burning building. The child fearlessly jumps because the father is good. The man fearfully jumps beacause the fire is bad. Both find a better place.

My buddy Kierkagard would likely say that test comes before trust and I would have to agree with him from my own experience. I hope that he would agree with me in saying that after many years of testing, it sure does feel nice to trust once in a while. I think not that I was so much purposely sinning as a tester, but I now see that real life is saved for those who trust. And so, for me, comes the next and possibly most significant conversion of my Jesus Journey...shall I convert to life within a God-bathed reality and leave behind the matrix of fear and doubt? I think I shall...It is a great irony, but I see that my final test of God might be to actually TRUST him with my whole life.

A conversion awaits me. Yet another night of the soul is about to give way to the light of dawn. I can smell the morning sun approaching and feel the dew of change upon my feet...I will let you know when this conversion in me is at last complete. Until then, I trust you to him, dear reader.

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