Sunday, February 02, 2003

The Hours

I saw The Hours last night with Debbie. It was a great movie...I hated it. It hurt to watch more than any movie I have ever seen. I had dreams about it all night. Every character was me in one way or another. If you struggle with depression you may want to see it, but only if you are ready to face some things. I awoke between dreams last night with a clear and eerie understanding of the things in life that I know are real:

1. Doubt is real. It is a paradox, but doubting everything is the most fundamental and true thing about me.

2. Love is real. One of the few things that I doubt is that I love.

3. Pain is real. I also know for certain that I hurt. (Upon deeper reflection, pain may just be a part of love.)

4. Desire is real. I know that I want...I especially want to love and be loved...and I want to not have so many doubts.

5. Death is real. I will die and so will everyone that I love....the paradox here is that if death is real, so is life...and life, if real, must be lived fearlessly.

Where is God? I wish He were first on the list of things I know for certain, but He is not. He calls me to a faith beyond doubt to trust that He is the one who holds all of Life together. God, I believe. Help my unbelief.

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