Tears
Eli started Kindergarten today. I was somewhat ambushed by emotions. I didn't really feel like it was such a big deal since he had be in pre-school last year. I thought that Debbie might cry (she didn't.) My mom called and told me that she cried on my first day of Kindergarten. (Seemed appropriate.) But I don't really ever cry. Maybe once a year. I've been wanting to cry more these days...not because I'm sad...just because I want to be able to cry. Crying is a block in my acting. I have problems crying in a scene that calls for it.
Today, after dropping Eli off at school, I went to the gym. On the way there, I started to cry. It's hard to say why. I think the realization that he would be going most everyday to a strange place to be forever shaped by a room of strangers was the main thing. And that, it's likely to continue for the next 13-17 years. I think it also symbolizes a loss of innocence. I knew when I left him there that I was leaving him at a place where he will be hurt. My first real painful experiences were in Kindergarten. I was made fun of for not being able to "trot" during a sensory assessment. It was the first time that I realized I didn't measure up...I was "behind"...I wasn't completely loveable.
He has to learn these things sometime. I just hate that he has to learn them.
I cried a lot in Kindergarten...most everyday as I recall. I cried througout my childhood until some unrememberable time when I convinced myself to grow up and stop crying. Since then...I don't really cry at all. Just special occasions like today. Debbie picked Eli up from school. As he was leaving Deb heard his teacher say, "No tears tomorrow, Eli." He had cried because another kid knocked his blocks over...possibly at the same time I was crying because I knew he would cry if another kid hurt him. There's something to the fact that he needs Kindergarten right now to learn when and when not to cry. It's social conditioning I guess. A necessity. I would love for him to not cry ten times a day like he does now...but I'm afraid he'll be turned into the same Stoic robot the system turned me into.
Ohhh...I moan because there is so much that Debbie and I have been unable to teach him that he will learn there. And yet there is so much that we have already taught him that he may unlearn there. I guess we just watch and see what happens. I'm gonna be a mess when he goes to college.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Saturday, August 28, 2004
I don't feel old
Eli starts Kindergarten Monday. We went to meet his teacher yesterday with all of the other parents and kids. The other parents were so...old. Many of them balding, most with business suits on...I kept looking at them and seeing old people. They all looked...in their thirties. That's when it hit me.
Eli starts Kindergarten Monday. We went to meet his teacher yesterday with all of the other parents and kids. The other parents were so...old. Many of them balding, most with business suits on...I kept looking at them and seeing old people. They all looked...in their thirties. That's when it hit me.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Blah
Just for balance, since my last post was so encouraging. My last two auditions have felt very rough. Granted, they were both quite a stretch for me, but still...I have been nervous at them. I hate that. I'm caring too much. When I didn't know any better and didn't really care about getting a job, I got most of the jobs that I auditioned for. These days I'm not quite as fortunate. There's a chance that one of the last two will come through...but I doubt it.
These little successes and failures have very little impact on my overall mood, however. That's quite a change from a younger version of myself. After my disaster, er audition, yesterday I was pretty low for about five or six hours. But today I feel fine. Having the reality and constant awareness of rejection in my life every single day has made me less fearful and less worrisome of failure.
I'm so happy to have my family to come home to. Their unwavering acceptance of me, the constant encouraging of my dreams, the relentless encoure of "Daddy's home!" everytime I walk through the door are more than enough to offset a world of rejection from these countless unknown casting directors.
Just for balance, since my last post was so encouraging. My last two auditions have felt very rough. Granted, they were both quite a stretch for me, but still...I have been nervous at them. I hate that. I'm caring too much. When I didn't know any better and didn't really care about getting a job, I got most of the jobs that I auditioned for. These days I'm not quite as fortunate. There's a chance that one of the last two will come through...but I doubt it.
These little successes and failures have very little impact on my overall mood, however. That's quite a change from a younger version of myself. After my disaster, er audition, yesterday I was pretty low for about five or six hours. But today I feel fine. Having the reality and constant awareness of rejection in my life every single day has made me less fearful and less worrisome of failure.
I'm so happy to have my family to come home to. Their unwavering acceptance of me, the constant encouraging of my dreams, the relentless encoure of "Daddy's home!" everytime I walk through the door are more than enough to offset a world of rejection from these countless unknown casting directors.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
It's kind of Lethal Weapon meets Unforgiven...
Today was one of those moments. I was given my first complete script for a real (read: paying) movie. I haven't got the part yet, but Gerald, my acting coach, is directing it and he asked me to read it and to tell him which parts I thought I could play. It's SAG, which means I would get my card and it would pay a minimum of $700 per day. Things change quickly, and nothing is certain..it just felt nice to have it. I have had a few moments over the last year which felt like subtle mile markers...my first audition, my first callback, signing with an agent, my first autograph, my first speaking role in a commercial...today was the first time that I came home with a screenplay for a feature film...pretty cool.
Today was one of those moments. I was given my first complete script for a real (read: paying) movie. I haven't got the part yet, but Gerald, my acting coach, is directing it and he asked me to read it and to tell him which parts I thought I could play. It's SAG, which means I would get my card and it would pay a minimum of $700 per day. Things change quickly, and nothing is certain..it just felt nice to have it. I have had a few moments over the last year which felt like subtle mile markers...my first audition, my first callback, signing with an agent, my first autograph, my first speaking role in a commercial...today was the first time that I came home with a screenplay for a feature film...pretty cool.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
If you put enough actors together...
Everytime that I am thrown into a new community of actors the same thing eventually happens...Jesus join us.
I just had the most remarkable conversation tonight with two guys I hardly know from my acting class. We talked about love, God, sin, religion, Jesus, church, morality, faithfulness, and sex. I'm pretty sure that we all entered into a time of confession, and I think the one guy absolved the other. Weird. These guys aren't "Christians". Or at least they wouldn't be labeled as such, but maybe neither would I anymore. We all said that we believed in God at the end of our time together and that we should try to find out who he is. One of them looked at me and asked me to pray for him. It was very intimidating to see how much he meant it. For decades people have asked me to pray for them just to end a coversation. This guy really wants me to. I'll give it my best shot.
I'm so glad that I'm free to see God move. I'm pleased to be on this journey.
Everytime that I am thrown into a new community of actors the same thing eventually happens...Jesus join us.
I just had the most remarkable conversation tonight with two guys I hardly know from my acting class. We talked about love, God, sin, religion, Jesus, church, morality, faithfulness, and sex. I'm pretty sure that we all entered into a time of confession, and I think the one guy absolved the other. Weird. These guys aren't "Christians". Or at least they wouldn't be labeled as such, but maybe neither would I anymore. We all said that we believed in God at the end of our time together and that we should try to find out who he is. One of them looked at me and asked me to pray for him. It was very intimidating to see how much he meant it. For decades people have asked me to pray for them just to end a coversation. This guy really wants me to. I'll give it my best shot.
I'm so glad that I'm free to see God move. I'm pleased to be on this journey.
Monday, August 16, 2004
Poker
Last night I played poker in my new house with some of my castmates. Tommy and Gene-o came over as well. It was very cool for me to have them hang out with the guys from my show. It's always a little strange when two communities come together, but I hope that everyone enjoyed each other. It was in many ways a subtle victory in my faith journey to have ten people in my home, all of whom truly love me and know my story, but eight of whom aren't "church" friends. I lost around $20, but wouldn't have had it any other way.
The real question I kept asking is, "Would Jesus chase a nut flush draw all the way to the river if he was sure the guy across from him was holding big slick with a bullet and a cowboy already on the table?"
I love talking like a poker player.
Last night I played poker in my new house with some of my castmates. Tommy and Gene-o came over as well. It was very cool for me to have them hang out with the guys from my show. It's always a little strange when two communities come together, but I hope that everyone enjoyed each other. It was in many ways a subtle victory in my faith journey to have ten people in my home, all of whom truly love me and know my story, but eight of whom aren't "church" friends. I lost around $20, but wouldn't have had it any other way.
The real question I kept asking is, "Would Jesus chase a nut flush draw all the way to the river if he was sure the guy across from him was holding big slick with a bullet and a cowboy already on the table?"
I love talking like a poker player.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
The 50 Most Influencial People of my Life
I had this idea coming home from work tonight. Please don't be offended if you find yourself or don't find yourself on the list. This isn't a list of the people I like the most...I've just been asking, Who made me into the person I am? I'll just list people as they come to me and we'll see what happens.
1. Danny Boyd, my father
2. Sandy Boyd, my mother
3. Debbie Boyd, my wife of nearly ten years!
4. Eli Boyd, my son
5. Aidan Boyd, my son
6. Greg Hubbard, my friend and partner in making a difference
7. Doug Parks, my friend and balancer
8. Chris "Ernie" Caldwell, my friend and the most accepting person in my life
9. Dallas Willard, an author who changed who Jesus was to me.
10. Kevin Odor, my pastor
11. Mark Elwood, my high school teacher who taught me how to tell stories
12. Phil Webster, my friend and this kid who made me think too much
13. Rich Mullins, his music and constant presence in my life secretly shaped me
14. Ryan Hayden, the first person cooler than me to accept me...and he wasn't really that cool
15. David Colbert, my brother-in-law, friend, and example of strength
16. John Cantrell, my first best friend
17. Mrs. Welsh, my Kindergarten teacher
18. Keith Colbert, my father-in-law
19. Becky Colbert, my mother-in-law
20. Katie Worden, my first friend to die...I miss her more than I let on.
21. Donald E. Miller II, my friend and one of the few people I always feel comfortable with
22. Lisa Lewis, my friend who seems to always understand me
23. Kevin Rains, my friend and forerunner
24. Mike Steele, my friend who cries for me
25. St. Francis of Assisi, you should feel pretty honored if you made it ahead of him!
26. Doug Citizen, my friend who taught me how to be and not do
27. Heidi Stokes, my friend who sees the core of me
28. Jim Nyberg, my friend whom God has connected to me
29. Jeremy Ohl, my passionate mystic friend
30. Fred Rogers, PBS TV personality who taught me how to behave
31. Henri Nouwen, author who taught me about God
32. Trevor Tolly, friend who loved me when I was hard to love
33. Bill Hybels, pastor who inspired me to start Apex
34. Brian "Lumpy" Rutherford, in a parallel universe we are best friends-too many miles
35. Emily Ackley, Ernie's grandmother...I miss her
36. Scott Hennig, my friend who has taught me the power of love and stability
37. Jon Dale, God used him to call me out of vocational ministry
38. Gerald Gordon, my current acting coach
39. Steve Haxton, my friend and high school Sunday School teacher
40. Marshall Hayden, my minister at my home church
41. Bonnie Maddox, my grandmother
42. Clifford Maddox, my grandfather
43. Tommy Peterson, my friend and the one who reminds me of who I am
44. Barbara Lauren, my friend who cast me in Tony n Tina's wedding
45. Sean Critchfield, my friend who gets me all excited
46. Kenny Parker, my friend who reaches out to me
47. Mo Andrieu, my friend who takes risks
48 Dave Carder, my friend who says things will happen and then they do
49. Wayne Jacobson, my friend who changed my community
50. Jim Sullivan, my friend whom I most want to be and not be at the same time
I had this idea coming home from work tonight. Please don't be offended if you find yourself or don't find yourself on the list. This isn't a list of the people I like the most...I've just been asking, Who made me into the person I am? I'll just list people as they come to me and we'll see what happens.
1. Danny Boyd, my father
2. Sandy Boyd, my mother
3. Debbie Boyd, my wife of nearly ten years!
4. Eli Boyd, my son
5. Aidan Boyd, my son
6. Greg Hubbard, my friend and partner in making a difference
7. Doug Parks, my friend and balancer
8. Chris "Ernie" Caldwell, my friend and the most accepting person in my life
9. Dallas Willard, an author who changed who Jesus was to me.
10. Kevin Odor, my pastor
11. Mark Elwood, my high school teacher who taught me how to tell stories
12. Phil Webster, my friend and this kid who made me think too much
13. Rich Mullins, his music and constant presence in my life secretly shaped me
14. Ryan Hayden, the first person cooler than me to accept me...and he wasn't really that cool
15. David Colbert, my brother-in-law, friend, and example of strength
16. John Cantrell, my first best friend
17. Mrs. Welsh, my Kindergarten teacher
18. Keith Colbert, my father-in-law
19. Becky Colbert, my mother-in-law
20. Katie Worden, my first friend to die...I miss her more than I let on.
21. Donald E. Miller II, my friend and one of the few people I always feel comfortable with
22. Lisa Lewis, my friend who seems to always understand me
23. Kevin Rains, my friend and forerunner
24. Mike Steele, my friend who cries for me
25. St. Francis of Assisi, you should feel pretty honored if you made it ahead of him!
26. Doug Citizen, my friend who taught me how to be and not do
27. Heidi Stokes, my friend who sees the core of me
28. Jim Nyberg, my friend whom God has connected to me
29. Jeremy Ohl, my passionate mystic friend
30. Fred Rogers, PBS TV personality who taught me how to behave
31. Henri Nouwen, author who taught me about God
32. Trevor Tolly, friend who loved me when I was hard to love
33. Bill Hybels, pastor who inspired me to start Apex
34. Brian "Lumpy" Rutherford, in a parallel universe we are best friends-too many miles
35. Emily Ackley, Ernie's grandmother...I miss her
36. Scott Hennig, my friend who has taught me the power of love and stability
37. Jon Dale, God used him to call me out of vocational ministry
38. Gerald Gordon, my current acting coach
39. Steve Haxton, my friend and high school Sunday School teacher
40. Marshall Hayden, my minister at my home church
41. Bonnie Maddox, my grandmother
42. Clifford Maddox, my grandfather
43. Tommy Peterson, my friend and the one who reminds me of who I am
44. Barbara Lauren, my friend who cast me in Tony n Tina's wedding
45. Sean Critchfield, my friend who gets me all excited
46. Kenny Parker, my friend who reaches out to me
47. Mo Andrieu, my friend who takes risks
48 Dave Carder, my friend who says things will happen and then they do
49. Wayne Jacobson, my friend who changed my community
50. Jim Sullivan, my friend whom I most want to be and not be at the same time
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Changes
Things I do that I didn't used to do:
1. Take my shirt off in public. (but only six nights per week in front of 250 strangers.)
2. Sign autographs. It's weird.
3. Answer all calls from unknown numbers. (It might be a director, casting agent, etc.)
4. Eat chicken....sometimes. I'm trying to ease back into meat to raise my iron.
5. Kiss people. I kiss lots of people on the cheek...men and women. Too many Italians in my life.
6. Read Entertainment Weekly as if it were Forbes and I was a CEO.
7. Hold the title to my Montero. Paid it off last week.
8. Live in Summerlin. I always kinda wanted to.
9. Eat Sushi. Had a nice Spicy Tuna roll for dinner.
10. Make lists of things that I do that I didn't used to do.
Things I don't do that I used to do:
1. Go to church. Now I am the church...but sometimes I still wanna go.
2. Read deep books. Mainly plays lately.
3. Watch TV. Not so much, maybe 30 minutes a day.
4. Hang out at a coffee shop most of the day...oh yeah that reminds me of the next one...
5. Work (vocationally) for Apex, or any church for that matter.
6. Get really depressed. It's been a while.
7. Own a pet.
8. Constantly push my hair out of my eyes. I like it short.
9. Play golf. Maybe in 16 years...
10. Parent two pre-schoolers. Eli is now officially enrolled in Kindergarten.
Things I do that I didn't used to do:
1. Take my shirt off in public. (but only six nights per week in front of 250 strangers.)
2. Sign autographs. It's weird.
3. Answer all calls from unknown numbers. (It might be a director, casting agent, etc.)
4. Eat chicken....sometimes. I'm trying to ease back into meat to raise my iron.
5. Kiss people. I kiss lots of people on the cheek...men and women. Too many Italians in my life.
6. Read Entertainment Weekly as if it were Forbes and I was a CEO.
7. Hold the title to my Montero. Paid it off last week.
8. Live in Summerlin. I always kinda wanted to.
9. Eat Sushi. Had a nice Spicy Tuna roll for dinner.
10. Make lists of things that I do that I didn't used to do.
Things I don't do that I used to do:
1. Go to church. Now I am the church...but sometimes I still wanna go.
2. Read deep books. Mainly plays lately.
3. Watch TV. Not so much, maybe 30 minutes a day.
4. Hang out at a coffee shop most of the day...oh yeah that reminds me of the next one...
5. Work (vocationally) for Apex, or any church for that matter.
6. Get really depressed. It's been a while.
7. Own a pet.
8. Constantly push my hair out of my eyes. I like it short.
9. Play golf. Maybe in 16 years...
10. Parent two pre-schoolers. Eli is now officially enrolled in Kindergarten.
Friday, August 06, 2004
Anonymous and Elmer Gantry
This is why I debated for so long whether my blog should have comments. To put it as nicely as possible...I have to not care what you think about my posts in order for them to be worth posting. Posting to irritate or impress is rather juvenile and not constructive for me at this point in my journey. So...I'm curious as to what you think, but at the end of the day...this is where I am honest about the parts of my life that I am willing to talk about with strangers. You guys have more energy than I do to debate such things...I wasn't offended by anonymous' comment. It sounded a lot like what I constantly expect people want to say to me. "Go for it...Just don't stop being a Christian," is basically how I interpret it. That's an honest response from a person of faith.
Tommy, Phil and Alicia love me enough to defend me even when I don't really need to be defended. That's beautiful...a tad bit reactionary, but beautiful all the same. I'd do the same for them.
And now for something completely different. You have to rent ELMER GANTRY and watch it. It's a 1960 film that will help you understand me and others like me if you take the time to think about the conflict that each character goes through. Please email me (oh yeah, or comment) after you see it. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
This is why I debated for so long whether my blog should have comments. To put it as nicely as possible...I have to not care what you think about my posts in order for them to be worth posting. Posting to irritate or impress is rather juvenile and not constructive for me at this point in my journey. So...I'm curious as to what you think, but at the end of the day...this is where I am honest about the parts of my life that I am willing to talk about with strangers. You guys have more energy than I do to debate such things...I wasn't offended by anonymous' comment. It sounded a lot like what I constantly expect people want to say to me. "Go for it...Just don't stop being a Christian," is basically how I interpret it. That's an honest response from a person of faith.
Tommy, Phil and Alicia love me enough to defend me even when I don't really need to be defended. That's beautiful...a tad bit reactionary, but beautiful all the same. I'd do the same for them.
And now for something completely different. You have to rent ELMER GANTRY and watch it. It's a 1960 film that will help you understand me and others like me if you take the time to think about the conflict that each character goes through. Please email me (oh yeah, or comment) after you see it. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
The Passion of the Joe
Passion is an elusive thing. I am a passionate person. For years my passion was targeted toward religious goals. I hesitate to honestly say that it was true passion for Jesus...though some of it was. Much of my youthful Christian passion was some strange combination of a desire to be accepted, an honest longing for the redemption of humanity and a severe case of bad theology.
I struggle with new passions as they arise, or more accurately, as they are violently released from deep soul hibernation. I am becoming an artist...or realizing that I have always been one. I am seeing more clearly everyday that I am passionate about acting. (I am so careful with these words because I have come to believe that passions are not newly received but finally discovered within a person.)
I have some strange guilt that I have discovered such a passion. It seems less noble than the passions of my youth...more true, but less noble. I am still passionate about love, life, Jesus, my wife and kids...but somehow when I am acting I feel that I am honoring those passions. I am releasing myself to a craft...an idea. I also, because of who I am, have guilt that I am an artist for sale. A cultural whore who will do anything for a buck. As I use my art to peddle products and entertain drunken tourists I wonder if I have sold out...but still, there are moments, even in the midst of it all. Last night I signed an autograph for a mentally ill lady and she smiled so big that I nearly cried. She believed...and I saw the responsibility that comes with being an artist.
All of that to share this quote with you...it will help you understand me.
"Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day to day rejection than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challange of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get 'real' jobs, and their own fear that they will never work again. Every day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is just a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of a normal life--the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment--to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out thier creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to God, to magic, to perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes." -David Ackert
Passion is an elusive thing. I am a passionate person. For years my passion was targeted toward religious goals. I hesitate to honestly say that it was true passion for Jesus...though some of it was. Much of my youthful Christian passion was some strange combination of a desire to be accepted, an honest longing for the redemption of humanity and a severe case of bad theology.
I struggle with new passions as they arise, or more accurately, as they are violently released from deep soul hibernation. I am becoming an artist...or realizing that I have always been one. I am seeing more clearly everyday that I am passionate about acting. (I am so careful with these words because I have come to believe that passions are not newly received but finally discovered within a person.)
I have some strange guilt that I have discovered such a passion. It seems less noble than the passions of my youth...more true, but less noble. I am still passionate about love, life, Jesus, my wife and kids...but somehow when I am acting I feel that I am honoring those passions. I am releasing myself to a craft...an idea. I also, because of who I am, have guilt that I am an artist for sale. A cultural whore who will do anything for a buck. As I use my art to peddle products and entertain drunken tourists I wonder if I have sold out...but still, there are moments, even in the midst of it all. Last night I signed an autograph for a mentally ill lady and she smiled so big that I nearly cried. She believed...and I saw the responsibility that comes with being an artist.
All of that to share this quote with you...it will help you understand me.
"Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day to day rejection than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challange of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get 'real' jobs, and their own fear that they will never work again. Every day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is just a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of a normal life--the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment--to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out thier creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to God, to magic, to perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes." -David Ackert
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