Tuesday, August 31, 2004


Eli started Kindergarten today. I was somewhat ambushed by emotions. I didn't really feel like it was such a big deal since he had be in pre-school last year. I thought that Debbie might cry (she didn't.) My mom called and told me that she cried on my first day of Kindergarten. (Seemed appropriate.) But I don't really ever cry. Maybe once a year. I've been wanting to cry more these days...not because I'm sad...just because I want to be able to cry. Crying is a block in my acting. I have problems crying in a scene that calls for it.

Today, after dropping Eli off at school, I went to the gym. On the way there, I started to cry. It's hard to say why. I think the realization that he would be going most everyday to a strange place to be forever shaped by a room of strangers was the main thing. And that, it's likely to continue for the next 13-17 years. I think it also symbolizes a loss of innocence. I knew when I left him there that I was leaving him at a place where he will be hurt. My first real painful experiences were in Kindergarten. I was made fun of for not being able to "trot" during a sensory assessment. It was the first time that I realized I didn't measure up...I was "behind"...I wasn't completely loveable.

He has to learn these things sometime. I just hate that he has to learn them.

I cried a lot in Kindergarten...most everyday as I recall. I cried througout my childhood until some unrememberable time when I convinced myself to grow up and stop crying. Since then...I don't really cry at all. Just special occasions like today. Debbie picked Eli up from school. As he was leaving Deb heard his teacher say, "No tears tomorrow, Eli." He had cried because another kid knocked his blocks over...possibly at the same time I was crying because I knew he would cry if another kid hurt him. There's something to the fact that he needs Kindergarten right now to learn when and when not to cry. It's social conditioning I guess. A necessity. I would love for him to not cry ten times a day like he does now...but I'm afraid he'll be turned into the same Stoic robot the system turned me into.

Ohhh...I moan because there is so much that Debbie and I have been unable to teach him that he will learn there. And yet there is so much that we have already taught him that he may unlearn there. I guess we just watch and see what happens. I'm gonna be a mess when he goes to college.

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