Nevermind



It's hard. You wait for something, anything, to happen. Everyone is always asking how its going. You can't tell if they are honestly interested or secretly judging the decision to do something seemingly impossible with your life.



I used to have huge emotional swings...not really swings because I never really got too excited. Just huge depressive slumps during the bad times. (This was in my old church life.) I've tried to see this new career more realistically. I will fail at most every audition I do. The problem with that is I get excited when something actually happens. I don't really do excitement as an emotion very well. Since I was a little kid I was embarrassed to be too happy or excited. It's hard to get used to allowing that emotion into my phsyche. It's incredibly humbling when you get excited about something too early...



All of that as a preamble to say that the Travel Channel shoot has been moved...to the week of October 10. The week I'm going to be out of town celebrating 10 years of marriage to the love of my life. I'd rather be there, but damn it, I almost was able to do both.



There's still a chance it will film on a day I'm in town...but they won't work it around me. They'll find some other desperate actor to take my spot, my check, and my credit on my resume.



So there...I threw up on you guys to avoid a depressive slump. Just give me a few days before you ask if I've gotten any new jobs...but then start asking again because if you really care I want to be able to let myself be excited with you. And if you are judging me, stop it because I do it enough to myself. Lots of love.

Short career update



I got a little job on a Travel Channel show that shoots early wednesday morning. I play a parimedic who tries to get a lady in labor to leave the blackjack table. The pay is only a few hundred, but it will be cool to do a national TV show.

There and back again and back there and back again again...



It has been a busy week. We went to Laguna with my in-laws for a few days. Then I drove back to LA Tuesday night and back again for the show Wednesday. I registered with two casting agents there...we'll see what comes of it. I had two auditions on Monday here in town. It looks like I didn't get either. One would have been nice because it was SAG, the other I was afraid that I actually would get an offer. It's a local cheesy car commercial. They seemed to really like me, hopefully they liked someone else just a little better.



At any rate, this week has flown by.

Going on a Trip



My inlaws have arrived from Indiana today and we are all preparing to go to Orange County for a few days. We'll leave late tomorrow and get back Monday. Of course, after booking the trip I was scheduled for two auditions on Monday, so we will be trying to make it back for those. It seems like I always get auditions at the worst time. That's part of it all I guess.



I'm looking forward to the trip though. Until then...

Lets get physical...



I've been going to the gym everyday except one for three weeks now. Going to the gym is a lot like reading for me. I don't really like doing it so much as I like having done it. I lost about 30-35 pounds since this time last year, but now I have the hard work of trying to get rid of the last ten or so. I've been eating better too. (Though I've pretty much left the vegetarian lifestyle behind. I eat fish now and chicken sometimes.)



I like the routine of working out. I hate the actual physical pain associated with it. I've tried to view it as part of my job. Most of the parts that I fit are for fit people. (A little sleep deprived word play for you.) The hardest thing about being a professional actor (I still hesitate to call myself that, though it's more true now than ever) is that virtually everything is out of your control. At least I can try to get my body and mind ready for the next thing...whatever that will be.



So...these days I pretty much hang out with the family, go to the gym, then go to work. Not a bad life.

Birthday Thoughts



Aidan turns three today! Debbie and I took him out for a special birthday lunch after dropping Eli off at Kindergarten. His birth will always be linked to 9-11 for me, because that was just his second day home from the hospital. I can remember my first few thoughts after Debbie woke me up that morning: 1. This is a bigger deal that anyone realizes yet. 2. This is our Pearl Harbor 3. I just brought a baby into this world...



I think the world is better place with Aidan in it, even if its a worse place for what happened a few days later.



It's hard to believe its been three years, on both accounts.

Luke-a-paloza



39At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, 40where she entered Zechariah's home and greeted Elizabeth. 41When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. 42In a loud voice she exclaimed: "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! 43But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? 44As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. 45Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"



Mary continues to be highly esteemed for her faithfulness. The greatest act of faith is often a season of waiting prompted by trust. This is where Mary finds herself. Luke uses the words of Elizabeth to both honor Mary and foreshadow the blessing of the Messiah to come.



46And Mary said: "My soul glorifies the Lord 47and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, 48for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, 49for the Mighty One has done great things for me-- holy is his name. 50His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation. 51He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. 52He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. 53He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty. 54He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful 55to Abraham and his descendants forever, even as he said to our fathers."



Here we have a song or poem found on the lips of Mary. It is a song of praise from a fiscally poor, teenage Hebrew girl who believes Messiah is finally coming. The words are certainly true, and in part prophetic, but also incomplete. Luke seems to be setting the reader up to believe that Messiah is coming exactly as expected. Soon we will see that he is coming in the most unexpected way imaginable.



56Mary stayed with Elizabeth for about three months and then returned home.



In this time John would have been born and Mary present for it all. Her eyes seeing a miracle in action would have only increased her faith. There is no evidence that Jesus and John grew up with a knowledge of each other, though it could be implied from this story, since a bond seems to exist between the two mothers.

Still doing that Luke thing...



26In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, 27to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. 28The angel went to her and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you."



Just another day in the life of the angel Gabriel circa the birth of our Lord. Going to frighten unsuspecting young girls with unbelievable news.



29Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. 30But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. 31You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. 32He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."



Frighten…and overwhelm. No real doubt here what the angel is telling the young girl: You are pregnant with Messiah. Up to this point “virgin” could just mean young girl. For the reader, pregnancy is not the miracle (yet), Messiah coming is. Name him “God Saves.” All the terms to follow are messianic: the King of Israel has come. “His never-ending Kingdom (could be translated “reign”) will never end. The Jewish reader sees political and economic deliverance from Rome in these words. Jesus would see something deeper.



34"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"



Oh…that’s what virgin means. An even greater miracle. Most great myths/religions of the world have a virgin birth associated with them. This has led some scholars to believe that the virgin birth is an afterthought. Luke treats it, however, as purely historical.



35The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God.

36Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. 37For nothing is impossible with God."



This, according to our angelic messenger, is definitely a divine conception. The Holy Sprit “coming on people” is true to the Old Testament pattern and terminology of how the Holy Spirit works. He will be called “son of God” because, Luke argues, he was God’s son even in a physiological sense.



It is no lesser miracle that Elizabeth is also pregnant. There is a connection between the two pregnancies. Here we find out that Mary and Elizabeth are somehow related.



38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.



This statement above all others is why Mary has historically been honored in the Christian tradition. If only we could honestly respond this way to every situation, no matter how frightening or overwhelming.

Luke 1 continued:



5In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. 6Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. 7But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years.



If the God of Israel has a pattern, it is in the opening of wombs. The story of God’s people is the story of fertility, particularly among those seemingly infertile. The births of John and Jesus will coincide with the birth of the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. The above verses can’t help but bring to mind the stories of Noah, Abraham, Moses, Samuel and others.



8Once when Zechariah's division was on duty and he was serving as priest before God, 9he was chosen by lot, according to the custom of the priesthood, to go into the temple of the Lord and burn incense. 10And when the time for the burning of incense came, all the assembled worshipers were praying outside.



God approaches Zechariah at the time when Zechariah was most focused on God. It makes me wonder if perhaps God had tried more subtle approaches to reach this man before this one.



11Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. 12When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. 13

Angels always seem to frighten people. I think that a true encounter with an angel would be so terrifying that it could never be doubted. They spend most of their time with us telling us not to be afraid of them.



But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. 14He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, 15for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth. 16Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. 17And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous--to make ready a people prepared for the Lord."



We find the interesting fact here that Zechariah has been praying for children, even though it was all but impossible. God often gives us desires that lead to faith. This is what it may mean to “ask for faith.” He is gracious enough to give us the desires for things (that we too often dismiss as selfishness) which lead us to prayer and hope and expectancy: faith. All of this according to his redemptive will.



Name him John, which means “God is gracious.” Jesus will follow, “God saves.” Grace comes before salvation. It seems as though John is to take the Jewish Nazirite vow for his life, which includes no grapes/wine, no touching dead bodies and no hair cutting. John’s life mission is here, “to go on before the Lord…to turn hearts…to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.”

Everything about this blessing points to the tradition of the Hebrew Prophet…a prophet named “Grace.”



It is interesting that John comes to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and not visa versa. The Father’s heart has turned to his children…he desires a family, “a people” here. As his heart turns to us, our hearts turn to our children.



18Zechariah asked the angel, "How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years."

Even though he has seen this miracle and has been praying for children, like us, he doubts.

19The angel answered, "I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. 20And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their proper time."



The deep theological answer to why? “Because I am God’s messenger and I say so.” Now shut up and think about what you just said. Zechariah goes into verbal “time out” for nine months.



21Meanwhile, the people were waiting for Zechariah and wondering why he stayed so long in the temple. 22When he came out, he could not speak to them. They realized he had seen a vision in the temple, for he kept making signs to them but remained unable to speak. 23When his time of service was completed, he returned home. 24After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for five months remained in seclusion. 25"The Lord has done this for me," she said. "In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people."



Elizabeth follows in the Old Testaments heroines’ footsteps by being prompted to worship. She has no idea that there is so much more than just “her disgrace” on the table.

I'm spiritual either way...



Well...I'm not sure why but I have decided, at least for today, to read through the book of Luke very slowly. I'm planning on sharing my thoughts with you, but please don't try to start a silly debate with me. If we disagree, fine. If I help you, great. This is mainly for me. Enjoy.



Luke 1



1Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that have been fulfilled among us, 2just as they were handed down to us by those who from the first were eyewitnesses and servants of the word.



What is different and obvious from the beginning is that Luke is approaching his telling of the story as a second generation researcher. Meaning, though he may have known Jesus, his focus is on the accounts of those who knew him best. “Many have undertaken to draw up” suggest that (written?) biographies of Jesus were becoming more commonplace by this time. We know that more existed aside from the four canonized books, many still in existence today. One has to think that Luke, whatever his true identity, is writing for a specific reason, even if the reason is to tell the story “accurately” as he seems to imply here.



“The word” is notable here simply because Luke isn’t John. It is worth pondering at this early stage (perhaps 30-50 years into the church age?) how much of John’s understanding of Jesus as logos existed. Was Jesus truly “the word made flesh” to Luke, or is he using logos here as something more concrete, as in the gospel story?



Regardless, we must at first reading put John and the other synoptics aside to find Luke’s story as he wishes us to see it. (I reject any notion of synchronizing the gospels until each gospel is fully understood on its own.)



3Therefore, since I myself have carefully investigated everything from the beginning, it seemed good also to me to write an orderly account for you, most excellent Theophilus, 4so that you may know the certainty of the things you have been taught.



The author is claiming full responsibility for the upcoming material as lead researcher. He’s probably the most “modern” thinking of all the biographers.

We don’t know if Theophilus is a person or a term for the church: “Loved by God”, but we do know that whoever he/they are, they are already living within the gospel before receiving the written record of it. We should not feel bad for them in this regard. It is possible today to live within the gospel before reading the gospels.

10 Years



Debbie and I are quickly approaching our ten year anniversary. (New Years Eve.) We are planning a week-long trip without the kids, probably sometime in October. Right now we are leaning toward a cruise, which we have never done or even really thought about doing.



It really is hard to believe that we have been married this long. At my 30th birthday I sort of felt 30...this feels different. It doesn't feel like we've been married 10 years. (Or in Las Vegas for almost that long.) I guess that's a good thing!

Tears



Eli started Kindergarten today. I was somewhat ambushed by emotions. I didn't really feel like it was such a big deal since he had be in pre-school last year. I thought that Debbie might cry (she didn't.) My mom called and told me that she cried on my first day of Kindergarten. (Seemed appropriate.) But I don't really ever cry. Maybe once a year. I've been wanting to cry more these days...not because I'm sad...just because I want to be able to cry. Crying is a block in my acting. I have problems crying in a scene that calls for it.



Today, after dropping Eli off at school, I went to the gym. On the way there, I started to cry. It's hard to say why. I think the realization that he would be going most everyday to a strange place to be forever shaped by a room of strangers was the main thing. And that, it's likely to continue for the next 13-17 years. I think it also symbolizes a loss of innocence. I knew when I left him there that I was leaving him at a place where he will be hurt. My first real painful experiences were in Kindergarten. I was made fun of for not being able to "trot" during a sensory assessment. It was the first time that I realized I didn't measure up...I was "behind"...I wasn't completely loveable.



He has to learn these things sometime. I just hate that he has to learn them.



I cried a lot in Kindergarten...most everyday as I recall. I cried througout my childhood until some unrememberable time when I convinced myself to grow up and stop crying. Since then...I don't really cry at all. Just special occasions like today. Debbie picked Eli up from school. As he was leaving Deb heard his teacher say, "No tears tomorrow, Eli." He had cried because another kid knocked his blocks over...possibly at the same time I was crying because I knew he would cry if another kid hurt him. There's something to the fact that he needs Kindergarten right now to learn when and when not to cry. It's social conditioning I guess. A necessity. I would love for him to not cry ten times a day like he does now...but I'm afraid he'll be turned into the same Stoic robot the system turned me into.



Ohhh...I moan because there is so much that Debbie and I have been unable to teach him that he will learn there. And yet there is so much that we have already taught him that he may unlearn there. I guess we just watch and see what happens. I'm gonna be a mess when he goes to college.

I don't feel old



Eli starts Kindergarten Monday. We went to meet his teacher yesterday with all of the other parents and kids. The other parents were so...old. Many of them balding, most with business suits on...I kept looking at them and seeing old people. They all looked...in their thirties. That's when it hit me.

Blah



Just for balance, since my last post was so encouraging. My last two auditions have felt very rough. Granted, they were both quite a stretch for me, but still...I have been nervous at them. I hate that. I'm caring too much. When I didn't know any better and didn't really care about getting a job, I got most of the jobs that I auditioned for. These days I'm not quite as fortunate. There's a chance that one of the last two will come through...but I doubt it.



These little successes and failures have very little impact on my overall mood, however. That's quite a change from a younger version of myself. After my disaster, er audition, yesterday I was pretty low for about five or six hours. But today I feel fine. Having the reality and constant awareness of rejection in my life every single day has made me less fearful and less worrisome of failure.



I'm so happy to have my family to come home to. Their unwavering acceptance of me, the constant encouraging of my dreams, the relentless encoure of "Daddy's home!" everytime I walk through the door are more than enough to offset a world of rejection from these countless unknown casting directors.

It's kind of Lethal Weapon meets Unforgiven...



Today was one of those moments. I was given my first complete script for a real (read: paying) movie. I haven't got the part yet, but Gerald, my acting coach, is directing it and he asked me to read it and to tell him which parts I thought I could play. It's SAG, which means I would get my card and it would pay a minimum of $700 per day. Things change quickly, and nothing is certain..it just felt nice to have it. I have had a few moments over the last year which felt like subtle mile markers...my first audition, my first callback, signing with an agent, my first autograph, my first speaking role in a commercial...today was the first time that I came home with a screenplay for a feature film...pretty cool.

If you put enough actors together...



Everytime that I am thrown into a new community of actors the same thing eventually happens...Jesus join us.



I just had the most remarkable conversation tonight with two guys I hardly know from my acting class. We talked about love, God, sin, religion, Jesus, church, morality, faithfulness, and sex. I'm pretty sure that we all entered into a time of confession, and I think the one guy absolved the other. Weird. These guys aren't "Christians". Or at least they wouldn't be labeled as such, but maybe neither would I anymore. We all said that we believed in God at the end of our time together and that we should try to find out who he is. One of them looked at me and asked me to pray for him. It was very intimidating to see how much he meant it. For decades people have asked me to pray for them just to end a coversation. This guy really wants me to. I'll give it my best shot.



I'm so glad that I'm free to see God move. I'm pleased to be on this journey.

Poker



Last night I played poker in my new house with some of my castmates. Tommy and Gene-o came over as well. It was very cool for me to have them hang out with the guys from my show. It's always a little strange when two communities come together, but I hope that everyone enjoyed each other. It was in many ways a subtle victory in my faith journey to have ten people in my home, all of whom truly love me and know my story, but eight of whom aren't "church" friends. I lost around $20, but wouldn't have had it any other way.



The real question I kept asking is, "Would Jesus chase a nut flush draw all the way to the river if he was sure the guy across from him was holding big slick with a bullet and a cowboy already on the table?"



I love talking like a poker player.

The 50 Most Influencial People of my Life



I had this idea coming home from work tonight. Please don't be offended if you find yourself or don't find yourself on the list. This isn't a list of the people I like the most...I've just been asking, Who made me into the person I am? I'll just list people as they come to me and we'll see what happens.



1. Danny Boyd, my father

2. Sandy Boyd, my mother

3. Debbie Boyd, my wife of nearly ten years!

4. Eli Boyd, my son

5. Aidan Boyd, my son

6. Greg Hubbard, my friend and partner in making a difference

7. Doug Parks, my friend and balancer

8. Chris "Ernie" Caldwell, my friend and the most accepting person in my life

9. Dallas Willard, an author who changed who Jesus was to me.

10. Kevin Odor, my pastor

11. Mark Elwood, my high school teacher who taught me how to tell stories

12. Phil Webster, my friend and this kid who made me think too much

13. Rich Mullins, his music and constant presence in my life secretly shaped me

14. Ryan Hayden, the first person cooler than me to accept me...and he wasn't really that cool

15. David Colbert, my brother-in-law, friend, and example of strength

16. John Cantrell, my first best friend

17. Mrs. Welsh, my Kindergarten teacher

18. Keith Colbert, my father-in-law

19. Becky Colbert, my mother-in-law

20. Katie Worden, my first friend to die...I miss her more than I let on.

21. Donald E. Miller II, my friend and one of the few people I always feel comfortable with

22. Lisa Lewis, my friend who seems to always understand me

23. Kevin Rains, my friend and forerunner

24. Mike Steele, my friend who cries for me

25. St. Francis of Assisi, you should feel pretty honored if you made it ahead of him!

26. Doug Citizen, my friend who taught me how to be and not do

27. Heidi Stokes, my friend who sees the core of me

28. Jim Nyberg, my friend whom God has connected to me

29. Jeremy Ohl, my passionate mystic friend

30. Fred Rogers, PBS TV personality who taught me how to behave

31. Henri Nouwen, author who taught me about God

32. Trevor Tolly, friend who loved me when I was hard to love

33. Bill Hybels, pastor who inspired me to start Apex

34. Brian "Lumpy" Rutherford, in a parallel universe we are best friends-too many miles

35. Emily Ackley, Ernie's grandmother...I miss her

36. Scott Hennig, my friend who has taught me the power of love and stability

37. Jon Dale, God used him to call me out of vocational ministry

38. Gerald Gordon, my current acting coach

39. Steve Haxton, my friend and high school Sunday School teacher

40. Marshall Hayden, my minister at my home church

41. Bonnie Maddox, my grandmother

42. Clifford Maddox, my grandfather

43. Tommy Peterson, my friend and the one who reminds me of who I am

44. Barbara Lauren, my friend who cast me in Tony n Tina's wedding

45. Sean Critchfield, my friend who gets me all excited

46. Kenny Parker, my friend who reaches out to me

47. Mo Andrieu, my friend who takes risks

48 Dave Carder, my friend who says things will happen and then they do

49. Wayne Jacobson, my friend who changed my community

50. Jim Sullivan, my friend whom I most want to be and not be at the same time

Changes



Things I do that I didn't used to do:



1. Take my shirt off in public. (but only six nights per week in front of 250 strangers.)

2. Sign autographs. It's weird.

3. Answer all calls from unknown numbers. (It might be a director, casting agent, etc.)

4. Eat chicken....sometimes. I'm trying to ease back into meat to raise my iron.

5. Kiss people. I kiss lots of people on the cheek...men and women. Too many Italians in my life.

6. Read Entertainment Weekly as if it were Forbes and I was a CEO.

7. Hold the title to my Montero. Paid it off last week.

8. Live in Summerlin. I always kinda wanted to.

9. Eat Sushi. Had a nice Spicy Tuna roll for dinner.

10. Make lists of things that I do that I didn't used to do.



Things I don't do that I used to do:



1. Go to church. Now I am the church...but sometimes I still wanna go.

2. Read deep books. Mainly plays lately.

3. Watch TV. Not so much, maybe 30 minutes a day.

4. Hang out at a coffee shop most of the day...oh yeah that reminds me of the next one...

5. Work (vocationally) for Apex, or any church for that matter.

6. Get really depressed. It's been a while.

7. Own a pet.

8. Constantly push my hair out of my eyes. I like it short.

9. Play golf. Maybe in 16 years...

10. Parent two pre-schoolers. Eli is now officially enrolled in Kindergarten.

Anonymous and Elmer Gantry



This is why I debated for so long whether my blog should have comments. To put it as nicely as possible...I have to not care what you think about my posts in order for them to be worth posting. Posting to irritate or impress is rather juvenile and not constructive for me at this point in my journey. So...I'm curious as to what you think, but at the end of the day...this is where I am honest about the parts of my life that I am willing to talk about with strangers. You guys have more energy than I do to debate such things...I wasn't offended by anonymous' comment. It sounded a lot like what I constantly expect people want to say to me. "Go for it...Just don't stop being a Christian," is basically how I interpret it. That's an honest response from a person of faith.



Tommy, Phil and Alicia love me enough to defend me even when I don't really need to be defended. That's beautiful...a tad bit reactionary, but beautiful all the same. I'd do the same for them.



And now for something completely different. You have to rent ELMER GANTRY and watch it. It's a 1960 film that will help you understand me and others like me if you take the time to think about the conflict that each character goes through. Please email me (oh yeah, or comment) after you see it. I'd love to hear your thoughts.